my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
