Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
