Texts From Last Night

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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?

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  (317): So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself? http://tfl.nu/kpiy
  Replies (5) Good night (1703) Bad night (774)
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  (213): View more from California

  How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.

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  (213): How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know. http://tfl.nu/sm0x
  Replies (15) Good night (3736) Bad night (827)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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  (570): the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad http://tfl.nu/6zrt
  Replies (20) Good night (11045) Bad night (762)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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  (307): So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that" http://tfl.nu/5p37
  Replies (8) Good night (1145) Bad night (4409)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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  (352): Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song. http://tfl.nu/qyok
  Replies (22) Good night (3332) Bad night (3287)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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  (703): no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing. http://tfl.nu/bnv5
  Replies (33) Good night (5488) Bad night (1228)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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  (973): I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you http://tfl.nu/07bs
  Replies (21) Good night (6618) Bad night (1357)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night

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  (406): He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night http://tfl.nu/scut
  Replies (7) Good night (3642) Bad night (775)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

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  (416): At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/a2wn
  Replies (13) Good night (2739) Bad night (904)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??

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  (908): I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off?? http://tfl.nu/r74o
  Replies (4) Good night (1725) Bad night (1584)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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  (316): Listen to me plotting my whoredom. http://tfl.nu/l2mq
  Replies (3) Good night (1481) Bad night (476)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.

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  (360): She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone. http://tfl.nu/5hxx
  Replies (11) Good night (786) Bad night (1303)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

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  (845): You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey http://tfl.nu/3j62
  Replies (5) Good night (1371) Bad night (612)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.

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  (845): Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show. http://tfl.nu/ezu8
  Replies (2) Good night (847) Bad night (307)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party

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  (701): he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party http://tfl.nu/b7mb
  Replies (0) Good night (540) Bad night (207)

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