I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place