I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?