A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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