I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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