Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
