I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
