As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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