remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
