My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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