Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
