Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
