I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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