Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
