Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize