It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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