And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
