im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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