1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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