Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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