The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
