I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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