There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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