i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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