I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
