something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
