You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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