I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
