so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
