I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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