What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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