So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
