I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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