I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
