i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
