he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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