FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
foreskin is a definite game changer
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
