What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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