The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
