I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow