I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.