dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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