My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
