Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
3pm strippers are depressing
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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