This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
