saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
