Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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