wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
