so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
