Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
