I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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