Yo dont text me then not text me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i think i just lost a toe
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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