alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
