her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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