Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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