wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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