im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
