Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
