Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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