6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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