I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
