hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
